Couples or individual therapy?
When clients are struggling in their intimate relationship, they often want to know where to begin. Couples, or individual therapy? Often, I say BOTH, if possible! However, in today’s world with time, financial, and insurance constraints, occasionally that isn’t the answer. Also, there are a few occasions where either couples or individual might be better off not pursued simultaneously. Here are some things to consider.
If someone in the marriage has an active addiction, I typically recommend that this person seek individual support and have some period of time where they have been abstinent from alcohol or their substance or behavioral addiction. I also recommend that the spouse be in a support group such as al-anon, to begin their own journey of healing from living with someone with an addiction. This should be done prior to couples counseling whenever possible. Couples counseling is a place to focus on connecting, more deeply understanding one another, improving intimacy and communication. These things are very challenging to work through when there is a substance or behavioral addiction that gets in the way.
If there has been domestic violence, for the safety of the partner, or partners, individual therapy is the preferred method of counseling.
Sometimes one of the partners is more willing to do individual or more willing to do couples. Whichever gets them in the door to begin the process is the place to start! Sometimes, one partner is unwilling or has fears around individual counseling but once couples counseling is started, those fears sometimes subside. Or perhaps someone has some thoughts and feelings they would rather sort though individually. While some hesitancy is normal, it typically does not go over well when one partner feels forced into a situation they are not ready and willing to participate in.
Couples therapy is not effective or helpful if there are secrets. For instance, if one person is involved in an affair, and unwilling to discuss or end the affair, this is problematic in couples counseling. A good couples counselor will set the stage early on that they will not be a secret keeper, and anything discussed with the counselor one on one can be discussed therapeutically all together.
Generally speaking, either couples and/or individual therapy can be a rich addition to your life and the life of your partner. And in a situation where one person refuses to go to couples counseling, remember there can be a lot of work to be done relationally even in individual therapy! That includes recognizing patterns, increasing compassion for your partner, changing your own behaviors, setting limits, speaking up and sharing more, or perhaps accepting more and complaining less. There are so many ways that relationships can begin to shift by one persons ability to begin the change process. It is easy for couples to get set in their ways and for people to sometimes be blind to how they might contribute to issues in a relationship. Do not let your partners hesitation or refusal get in the way of you controlling the piece you can control- yourself. As always, make sure in your consult with your therapist to ask any questions you might have about whether individuals or couples counseling is the right fit for you and your relationship.
