Feelings-based and Principle-based decision making
Many people struggle with making choices based only on your feelings. You might waffle about what choice to make and then when you do make one it may be based on temporary feelings of the moment.
Consider that sometimes our decisions are not made with a long term purpose or goal in mind. Because we want to “feel good” sometimes we end up doing things that hurt us in the long run, or we take the easy way out. Sometimes this can be so deeply instilled that you don’t realize you are doing it.
Here are some examples of feeling-based choices:
Letting someone talk you into doing something you don’t want to do or is not in your best interest, because you don’t want to feel uncomfortable or hurt someone else’s feelings
Choosing unhealthy comfort foods, or even binge eating because you would rather not sit with uncomfortable thoughts and feelings
Rushing into a relationship with someone we know isn’t healthy for you, because we’d rather not be sad about being alone
Continually hyperfocusing on a career that gives us a lot of external validation and makes us feel good, at the cost of important relationships or our values.
Not trying a new hobby, career path, or other important venture because of fear of the embarrassment or shame if you fail.
Avoiding a hard conversation with your significant other because you are nervous about how they will respond.
Not challenging yourselves in a career because of insecurities or fears.
Here are some tips on how to not let feelings run your life:
Remember that feelings come and go. Feelings can certainly have their place in our choices, but they are often transient. Look for factual evidence to make your decisions. For instance, we may commit to an exercise plan of 3 times a week, weather we “feel like it” or not, because we know of the benefits. We often feel good anyway after making a healthy choice!
Think of the self-growth you could have within even a couple months, if you committed to a goal and were devoted no matter what (within reason.) It is empowering to know we can achieve goals when we are dedicated. For example, commit to practicing saying no in a variety of situations for a month, EVEN IF it makes you very uncomfortable. Meditate for 15 minutes a day for a month EVEN IF you think it will be frustrating to rearrange your schedule. As the old saying goes…”if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you always got.”
Stay off social media. It can take the steam out of your own goals because you look at someone else who is “doing better” and discredit yourself. Social media has a tendency to get many people stuck in envy. Stay in your lane, follow your personal goals.
Recognize when you are addicted to external validation. Somethings that are not actually good for us are applauded by society. Workaholism, excessive partying, obsessive dieting and exercising, are a few examples of this. We can get so wrapped up in the positive feedback we get in certain circles for being the perfect employee, having the perfect body, or being the life of the party that we can feel there is never enough positive feedback. Sure, there is a time for total dedication to a goal, but it is important to ask why we are doing it in the first place.
Realize that sometimes sadness, anger, frustration, and fear are sometimes just a part of life. Accept how you are feeling. If you are in a highly-emotional place, it is probably not the best time for decision making. Wait a couple days, or even months, when you are in a place where you can make what is the smartest decision for you. Don’t make a life-altering choice when you are not in the place emotionally to do so.
Accept that anxiety or fear as sometimes a positive emotion, in that it may mean that we are stretching and challenging ourselves in ways we haven’t done before. If we judge this as a “bad” feeling, we might never try anything new.
Expect some pushback from others if you are setting some new boundaries, challenging yourself in new ways, and pushing past some old fears. If you expect it out of some people, you can plan ahead how you might deal with it.
Sometimes, people will say something like “I feel like I’m not good at….” Many of us can catch us in saying “ I feel like...” instead of “I think….” This can keep us trapped into forgetting that feelings are often not based in reality. You can be 5’5 and 120 lbs and “feel fat.” Practice not giving your feelings more weight than they might deserve, particularly if they are not based on any facts. Look for rational evidence behind your feelings. If there isn’t any, than you can try to explore and understand why you feel that way, while still understanding it is not a fact off of which to base a decision.
Know your values. Values are grounding, and help you stay firm in making principle-based decisions. Perhaps you don’t like your child in this moment, or your spouse, but you value being a kind and patient partner and parent so you choose carefully what words to use in your anger. Or, you set a consequence or boundary for your child even if you know they will be angry with you.
Above all, we are all imperfect people who do let our feelings get the best of us at least sometimes. If you find that your emotions regularly get the best of you, it would be helpful to discuss this with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist.
